A new element has been added to the judgment of literary worth. It is nothing to do with the elegance of the prose, the vividness of the dialogue or descriptive qualities. The main question to pose is "does the writer smoke?"

I have been warned that people will be put off reading my books if they see a picture of me smoking a pipe. Writers and pipes go together like chalk and blackboards. Remember pictures of J.B. Priestley and his bulbous Petershams? More pipe than Priestley, who was obscured behind a cloud of smoke. Priestley wrote an essay about the correct treatment of pipes. I have the current issue of the Journal of the J.B. Priestley Society. It contains several pictures of JB, young and old, smoking his pipe.

Do pipes impair your health? Well, Arthur Newton, an early marathon runner, who raced over 100 miles in South Africa and frequently ran in the Windsor to Chiswick race, has a chapter on training in his book, where he discusses whether a cold of sniffle should put you off, which concludes with "If a man can't face his pipe there is something wrong."

The strange thing is that I don’t smoke when I am working. I light up before I start and as soon as I get going I put the thing down and don’t light up until I have finished.

A couple of weeks ago I was coming out of a hotel in Dartmouth, loading up the pipe, preparatory to lighting it in the street. when I ran into Tony Benn, who was doing the same. Benn greeted me like a long lost brother. "A fellow pipe smoker," he cried. We agreed that we are a persecuted minority. It is true that smokers are being herded into corners. The next move is to mow them down with a machine gun.

At the local hospital there used to be knots of pale-faced creatures in pyjamas and dressing gowns, who had come down from the wards for a quick drag. Now there is "No Smoking" in the grounds as well. Somebody has taken charge of the open air...

On the flap of the tobacco I buy there are jolly little messages designed to increase your shame. Smoking Harms Pregnant Women. To be honest I am never seen a pregnant woman smoking a pipe so I suppose it must be me. How am I going to know? I know when they get to the later stages, but they are pregnant for a long time before that. I suggest a coat label. "Pregnant" in red letters, or maybe a loud hailer so I wont get too close.

Allen Saddler

NOSMO KING was a Variety comic who took his name from a No Smoking notice.